O Happy Day...or I am a freak of nature..

Occasionally I refrain from stepping on the scale for a day or two and then end up being somehow scared of what may be...putting off the scale of truth for weeks at a time before getting up the courage to find out just exactly what's been going on.

This morning I got on the scale for the first time in a month. It is, after all, the holiday season and nobody actually loses weight this time of year. It can only be mediocre to bad news.

So, imagine my shock and surprise when I hopped on the tool of satan this morning and found myself 6lbs lighter. Woohoo! In an odd pattern, this same thing happened last year. Between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day, I dropped 10 pounds. When everyone else is stuffing their faces full of Christmas goodies, I am....well, I am not sure what I'm doing. I am certainly not trying to lose weight this time of year, that would be nuts.

I am trying not to question it too much and have decided it's a gift from Santa, for being such a good girl all year long. Yeah, that's what it is.

lunchtime ramblings

Well, here I am taking a break from the grueling task of cleaning up our financial stuff at work, prepping for the end of year tax reporting. I am determined to get this done by no later than January 15. The last two years have been dismal in this area, I get lose-your-mind busy by late February/early March and just don't have time to deal with it. We file for an extension and it just gets put off till (well we JUST filed 2006 last month). So, no more procrastination.

I am working from home today and baking cookies as I work. I got a KitchenAid Artisan Mixer for Christmas (slightly early) and decided to break it in with some Macadamia Nut Shortbread cookies. A ridiculous amount of butter is makes the kitchen smell absolutely decadent.

I just tried one and it's ok, but I think I will keep looking for a recipe more to my liking. This one tastes just slightly ...what's the word when something tastes like it has too much flour?

Anyway, enjoying a cup of java with the splurge of some of the left over cream from last night's seafood au gratin. Listening to tunes and happy to be through April in my tax year.

I am leaving for Kansas on Friday morning and I am just stressed too hell. Normally it wouldn't that big of a deal, however I have so much to do around the house and I will be returning next week to pick up Ryan at the airport. He insists that what the house looks like doesn't matter to him, but 35 years of programming from my OCD grandmother and mother about how the house should look is hard to overcome.

Don't get me wrong, the place is clean, but there is stuff everywhere, because, as much as I hate to admit it, I am still not done moving in. Been here 4 months and the garage is still so full I can't park my Jeep inside. Maybe if we get bored, Ryan will carry boxes inside for me. :)

Well, I should get back to it. I am bringing my laptop with me to Kansas, so contact with the outside world is theoretically possible, but only through dial-up and often that's just not worth the trouble. I should get my mother a cable modem for Christmas.

It's cold dammit...I want a nap.

Today we are having really crappy cold weather. It's not snowing, but there has been some "rain". I say "rain" because it's freezing to the ground and everything else. I guess you call that freezing rain. heh.

Don't mind me, I am just going through that mid-morning brain spin-down that makes me seriously consider a nap. With this weather, it's even harder to stop thinking about my cozy, warm bed with all those comfy, soft pillows.

I've been cooking soup quite often lately. Soft mushy things in big warm bowls. Yay.
Senagalese Peanut Soup - quite tasty, I am sure also high in calories, but peanuts are good for you and all that.

Alpine Cheese Soup - not made with swiss cheese, as the name sort of brings you to think it might be. This is just ok, tho I skipped the brandy at the end cuz i didn't have any. It's made with Gorgonzola which is a pretty strong flavor and not my favorite as the main flavor of a soup. Maybe i should add some brandy to the leftovers and see if that makes a big difference.

Ryan Update: He's gone back to the job he quit, tho with some very important adjustments. Guarenteeds base salary as well as a reduced work week. He's also, I believe, continuing to look for other work in the spare time he now has. AND....spending time talking to his girlfriend. She's a big fan of the new arrangements.

He's coming to visit right after Christmas. Another big YAY!

Relieved...

Ryan quit his job.
Not exactly good news, in the traditional sense.
But I am fucking thrilled.
It creates a couple new problems for him, obviously, like needing to find a new one and having no income for the moment.

On the other hand, that's why he quit. He was putting in 12 hours 6 days a week and getting no paycheck. I've not seen this kind of bullshit job in a while, if ever. He was killing himself and for awhile it looked like it was paying off. His sales were fantastic. And then he stopped getting appointments. The staff responsible for making them apparently stopped doing their job. Or something.

Anyway, regardless, the job was creating a situation in which weeks would go by with no contact. Not really condusive to having anything reselmbling a relationship. Long distance is hard enough without simply having no contact whatsoever. Infact, I really don't think you can call that a relationship at all.

It was making me nutty. A lot nutty. It was actually worse then being him being unemployed (which i think is what led to him quitting) because he was stuck at this job ALL.....THE.....TIME. He had no time to say....look for something better...or.....say....spend time with friends or family.....or say.....call his girlfriend. lol

In the three months he had the job, he was sick twice. So sick that he actually missed work. That's what little sleep, endless work hours and gas station food will do to ya.

So, yeah, done with that and moving on. I am relieved. Wishing it had worked out better, but glad he is moving on to whatever is next.

They say life is a series of moments...

I dunno who "they" are, but this what they say.

The idea is, perhaps, to enjoy the little things that make you smile and these, strung together, are what makes life truely enjoyable. Especially in the face of hard times and crisis.

Today, my moment is new jammies. Old Navy was having a sale online and I got like four pair of those plaid jammies with some matching tank tops. They were all like 12.99 or 7.99 so I decided to get them and get rid of some of my old jammies. You know, the stuff that is so old it has holes? It's comfortable, sure, but you look like serious white trash.

I love PJs, not necessarily for wearing to bed, but for wearing the minute I come through the door and know I won't be leaving again for the day.

My other moment today will be the hour I spend in Starbucks later today. Thursday is always a busy day for my daughter: Intermurals, two choir practices and swimming lessons. So I do the whole soccer mom thing to the extreme on Thursdays. But, during choir practice, I can run over to Starbucks (a block away), grab a latte, pull out my book (I keep a book in my purse at all times these days because, as the chauffer, I tend to do alot of sitting and waiting) and sit and read for an hour. I don't have enough time to go home and get anything done, I don't have to sit and wait at practice and typically I don't have any shopping to do during this time, so its absolutely just an hour of pure, coffee-and-quiet-music bliss where I don't have to feel like I am needing to be anywhere or get anything done.

Do you think it would be frowned upon if I wore a pair of my new PJs to Starbucks?

Unlearning Passive Agression

Ok, so now for something a bit more heavy than recipies for soup.

I've got issues. Of course, we all have issues, but after being beaten over the head for several months by someone who cares, I've started examining one particularly large issue I have:
Passive Agression.

This is particularly difficult for me to approach, because I hate passive agression in other people. I suppose that's how it typically goes; what we dispise in others is typically our own faults in one shade or another. Still, admitting you have faults is particularly hard for we passive-agressive types. ;)

I came to the conclusion that something has to be done. I need to find a way to identify these things I do before they happen and derail them before then end up hurting my relationships.
Specifically, my relationship with my boyfriend is suffering greatly due in part to this problem.

So far, I've determined that I have a serious habit of deciding to forgo expressing when I dislike something he is doing because I have a real fear of saying no to him. This is a pretty general statement, but it covers a TON of different events over the last year...hell several years. He goes along thinking I'm cool with something and I end up screeching over something far less important and pissing him off. This happens to be THE number one pet peeve for Ryan, the thing he absolutely will not tolerate, so changing it is important to me.

The question is: How? How do you do that?

Grumble Grumble Whine

How's that for a warning.
Ugh, I've been sick now for 5ish days and not getting any sleep at night and passing out after the kid goes to school and generally feeling damn crappy, missing work, getting nothing done on the house and no exercise whatsoever.

I hate being sick. I am a lousy sick person. I really refuse to do anything but hide under the covers with my tissues (i.e. toilet paper, my nose hates me, but the tissue is packed in a box somewhere in the jungle of my garage probably in the same box as my NyQuil), my hot tea and a book, since I'm coughing so much, sleep is impossible.

I just now realized, it's been ages since I've felt this bad for this long. What surprises me is, usually I get a cold and sort of just refuse to give in. The germs sense this and leave my body within 24 hours. Seriously, I've not been sick more than a day or so in at least a year or more.

So, now, that I am on this no preservatives, all natural, organic, eat lots of good for you foods with nutrition and no junk food or fried foods or highly processed sugars or nothin bad (those cookies Sonny sent do not count and this is not turning out to be a raging run on sentence) and my body should be all happy and healthy and ready to battle some serious germs and I'm sicker than a dog!

What is that about? Is it, perhaps, all those chemicals I was feeding my body, rotting it from the inside, were making my body also inhosbitable for bugs? Was it such a shitty place to stay that even the bacteria wouldn't rent in my building?

So, this means I should stop in at Mickey D's for a burger, fries and a shake? For my health?

Hawaiian Macadamia Nut Shortbread Cookies!!

My friend Sonny sent me cookies!
From Hawaii!
Dipped in chocolate!

I've been telling him I hate him ever since he went out to Hawaii to work for two years.
But now he sent me chocolate-dipped macadamia nut cookies that are absolutely to die for. So, I guess I have to stop hating him just a little.

I woke up feeling even worse than yesterday. The tempature is back down to the 60's. This has just pissed off my body even more. The cookies help, my body is happy about the cookies. I may take them back to bed with me.

Poblano Corn Chowder for Carrie :)

Poblano Corn Chowder
From The Daily Soup Cookbook
(I love this cookbook, there is a place in town that makes soups from this book and I finally broke down and bought the thing myself; it's worth tracking down and buying if you are a soup freak.)

8 Ears fresh corn, kernels from cob and cobs reserved, about 4 cups

10 cups Basic Vegetable Stock (if you really wanna do this yourself, i'll email you the recipe. I use an organic, low-sodium, veggie stock in a box.)

2 tablespoons unsalted butter

1 large red onion, chopped

3 garlic cloves

4 poblano chilies, seeded and chopped

1 dried chipotle chile, minced

1 chipotle chile in adobo with 1/2 teaspoon of the sauce, minced.
(I use two chilies in adobo instead of the dried because, oddly, I can't find them here. It also helps me use up what's in the can faster.)

1 tablespoon dried Mexican oregano or regular dried oregano.

2 bay leaves

2 teaspoons kosher salt

6 medium potatoes, peeled, halved lengthwise and cut into 1 inch cubes. (The recipe calls for Idaho, but I am partial to North Dakota reds. :))

2 cups grated Queso Blanco or Monterey Jack cheese

1/2 cup crumbled feta cheese

1/2 cup heavy cream

1/2 cup chopped fresh cilantro

1. Combine corn cobs and veggie stock in a large stockpot over medium heat. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, partially cover and simmer for 30 minutes.

2. Melt butter in large stockpot over med heat. ad onion, 2 of the garlic cloves and the chilies and sweat for 4 minutes, until tender.

3. Add chipotles with sauce, oregano, bay leaves and salt, stir to coat the veggies.

4. Add corn stock, corn, potatoes and bring to boil. Reduce heat, partially cover and simmer for 30 minutes.

5. Add the cheeses and cream and simmer until cheese melts. (Don't let it boil, cheese can get gummy)

6. Remove bay leaves and puree about one quarter of the chowder in a blender until smooth (I actually puree closer to half, I like it really thick).

7. Return puree to pot and mix well.

8. Remove pot from heat and stir in remaining garlic and cilantro.

Makes 12 cups.
I usually make half the recipe because 12 cups of soup for just me would last a year. This isn't super spicy, cuz you clean the seeds out of the chilies, but has a nice mild burn to it. Enough that my daughter refuses to eat it. You can ramp it up, I'm sure, with more chipotles or using the dried chipotle which I am sure is stronger.

Not Soup Weather

I finally accepted fall is here in a big way, even if it feels a bit early. It's been 50 degrees for days and days. Yesterday, I went to the grocery store and got all the ingredients for my favorite poblano corn chowder. Cuz one of the best things about fall is it's soup weather. Yay!

So, I wake up all ready to make soup and ~~~~~It's 93 degrees today! What the hell?
I've got a sore throat too, cuz my body is not in favor of 45 degree weather changes in 24 hours and it's protesting. I'm making soup anyway. I've got the AC on and soup on the stove. It's not right, it's probably a waste of energy and bad for the environment and I'm not going to enjoy eating it nearly as much as I would have in a nice cozy sweater under a blanket. But I'm making soup anyway.

*grumbles*

90%

Ninety percent.
Seems like good odds.
Of course, there is a 10% chance you will lose.

My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer this summer.
I've always been a supporter of events and fund raising for breast cancer awareness and research. But, it's always been about helping other people. It's quite a fucking jolt when your mother is the one who has a 90% chance of surviving for another 5 years. It's like walking down the street and having someone reach out from a hedge and grab you by the hair while saying "you aren't going anywhere, your mom has cancer and your reality is fucked." It's a reality filled with things like chemo, losing your hair, lots of random crying, radiation, 5-year survival rates, wigs, lumpectomies, stages of cancer, grades of tumors and a sickening lump of fear in your stomach that has taken up residence permanently.

I am scared for my mom. State of mind is vital through out this fight she has on her hands. State of mind has never been my mother's strong suit. I worry that she won't fight for herself, that she will give up and let it win. What do I do?

I have to be there for her. But I can't do anything to really help her, I can't make it go away. This sucks. I don't know if I should joke with her, to help her think about something else or if I should just shut up and listen as she talks about how scared she is, how much it sucks to be losing her hair, how tired and sick she feels.

I am scared for me.
My chance of developing breast cancer just doubled. At 35, I just had my first mammogram. When I called to make the appointment, telling them it was my first time, the conversation goes like this:

"Oh, you are too young, you don't need your first mammogram until you are 40 unless someone in your immediate family has had it."
"Yeah, I know."
(pause)
"Let's see when we can get you in."

It's entirely too early. She's only in her 50's. I am not ready for her to be gone.
And of course, the odds are very good that she will be fine.
But cancer is a scary word, no matter what the odds.
Cancer shoves death in your face in a way that few other things do.

I remember someone I am very close to going through this very thing with his own mother. She had colon cancer and was given a 90% of being just fine. When you are on the outside, looking in, 90% seems fucking fantastic. Why would you worry, 90% is peachy.

But it's not. 90% sucks. When this first happened, they were saying her tumor was new, it was small, it would be stage 1, maybe stage 2 and the 5-year survival rate was 100%.

100% - Now there is a number I can get behind. Absolutely no chance for failure at 100%.
A sure thing.

Turns out, the lump is a bit larger than they thought, when it comes out. She had a clean mammogram in January. By July she had a 2.5 cm tumor. This, they say, is too fast. This earns her a year's worth of chemotherapy and five years of some other drugs. So much for that sure thing. They dropped her odds to 90%.

The distance between 100% and 90% has never ever seemed so far. There is an ocean of full of death between 90% and 100%. For the next 5 years, we wait, we watch, we fill her body full of chemicals and poison as a preventative measure and cross our fingers as we huddle on the bed hopping the monster underneath won't venture out and get us before the sun comes up.

Your time is limited so don't waste it living someone else's life.

-Steve Jobs, Standford University Commencement Address 2005

The painting saga continues

I forgot, yesterday, that I had a board meeting for the community theater last night, so I didn't get everything done on the painting schedule. I did get most things taped and some edging done, but there is more to do before the actuall painting starts. Should have a full first coat on by end of today.

My time as interim Pres of the community theater board ended last night with officer elections for the coming year. I have returned to the comfy, titled, with-virtually-no-responsibility position of Vice-President. Yay. There are all kinds of exciting things going on with the Theater merging with the North Dakota Ballet Company most likely by the end of the year. It's going to be tons of work, lots of responsibility and I just don't want it. Sure, I will be there for the work and all that, but I was just so not comfortable in that leadership role. 2nd in command is perfect for me. Heh.

Anyway, now that I am done with work for the day, I want to get in my walking before Megan get's home from school. Ciao.

One Room at a Time

I've been living in my new place for over a month now and I've got more stuff in the garage than I do in the house. It's overwhelming. There are so many things that need to be done, that I want to do, that I should do, I don't know where to start. Typically I think about it and go see if there are any good movies on.

I did get as far as picking out paint colors for the bathrooms and Megan's room. I tried to pick a color for my room but it was a disaster. My room is a priority because my stuff is deep cranberry and gold and the walls are purple. PURPLE!

When I tried out a sample color on the wall in my room, I knew immediately it was wrong and then abandoned all painting efforts as I knew I wouldn't get anything done before I left town again.

Right, so fast forward to the present. I've decided to just focus on prepping one room at a time. I need to get the main bath organized. I've got my little bathroom crates of stuff on the counter, the floor, stuff is everywhere. The towel bars need to come down so i can replace them with my own towel bars/shelves and get stuff off the floors and put away. Before I do that, however, the paint needs to go up. So, bathroom to do list:

1. Get paint and and paint accessories. You know like tape and drop clothes. Tho I am considering a French beret to wear while painting. Done
2. Tape off trim, sand off ridiculous paint drips from the moron who painted before me
and take down towel bars. Monday
3. Paint around trim with brush. Monday
4. Paint the rest of the walls. Tuesday.
5. Remove tape from trim or do a second coat. Wednesday
6. If no 2nd coat, tape up walls to prep for painting trim.
7. Decide if I am painting the door or just the trim. Wednesday
8. Paint trim. Wednesday if no 2nd coat or Thursday
9. Put up my shelves. Wednesday or Thursday
10. Put stuff on shelves. Wednesday or Thursday
11. Dance a small jig in new green, white and organized bathroom. Thursday

It's kind of sad how excited I am about painting my bathroom, isn't it.

Breaking News - website updated

Yes, I actually have a website, but rarely do I announce it because it's usually in such a horrible state of "in progress" and there is nothing interesting to see. It's really nothing more than a place to put up photos I've taken. Since my camera was broken, it's been a while since I've had anything new.

But, I've updated it with some photos I took with my new camera this summer in SF.
I've got some Lake Tahoe photos to go up as well, but my ass is numb (i need a new office chair) so I am done for now.

Oh yes, a link would be good here, wouldn't it. :D
laurelbartlett.com

It's late, I should be sleeping...

We went to pick up Megan's violin today. Talk about flashbacks. It just doesn't seem that long ago since I started to play the viola. I wonder if I would have been any good if I had practiced. If I had it to do over again, I would have picked the cello. What a cool sound. I would have practiced on the cello.
*smiles*
Yet another thing my daughter will be compelled to do because I got away with slacking. Not forever, if she doesn't enjoy playing, she can stop, but as long as she wants me to rent this sucker, she WILL use it.

We are kinda getting into a routine of sorts, I even managed to unpack a box or two, do some laundry, unload the dishwasher and make iced tea. Holy crap!

My life is too exciting for words, eh?

G'nite

Back from the west coast and blogging again.

So, I have not blogged in nearly a year. No need to say it, we all know I suck at blogging. But, I've been feeling the need lately and even tho perhaps not one person will even read this because they know my blog is never updated, I am writing again.

I just got back from a tour of the country. Three time zones in 5 days. I don't recommend it. I am fighting jet lag and general post travel ickyness and trying to catch up on all that I've missed while being gone for a week.
My trip was part business, part pleasure.

I started out with a lousy flight to Lancaster, PA, arriving at my hotel at 3am instead of 11pm as planned. I got a couple hours of sleep and pried myself out of bed for the first of a two-day conference for art festival directors. That evening, after doing dinner with the conference goers, I met up with a very old friend (very old by internet standards, I've know him 8 years.), Matt. While I've known Matt for 8 years, this was the first time I've actually met him. Ahhh internet friendship irony. I know his deepest darkest fears, his hopes, his dreams, what turns him on and how he sounds when he is, but never have I seen him smile or known how it feels when he looks at me with those lovely eyes, very directly, in a way that makes me blush.

He only stayed for a couple hours, because I was literally falling asleep on my feet, but it was great to finally meet him and for it to be very comfortable to hang out with him. The next evening, post-conference, I turned down dinner with the conference crowd and Matt took me to Hershey, PA.

Does he know me or what? Chocolate Town, U.S.A., i was a kid in a candy store...Literally!!
Ha! Oddly, i wasn't compelled to buy massive quantities of chocolate, realizing that, while Hershey, PA was very very cool, i can buy everything they make at my local store. It was still very fun to take the factory tour and see the very silly 3-D show.

We had dinner in Hershey at the Hershey Grill, which had great food, but I am still pondering the Water List. You heard me, the Water List. As some places have a Wine List, this place had a menu of water, still or sparkling, imported from various places around the globe. We ordered a very good vintage of local tap water that was rather tasteless, yet free.

So, then, on to California the next day, planting myself in San Francisco for several days to visit what is supposed to be one of the, if not THE, best art shows in the country: The Sausalito Art Festival. Opinions vary widely on this show, but I can say it was well organized, expensive, snooty, but enjoyable. When I wasn't drooling over beautiful, yet ridiculously priced art, (Seriously, $12,000 for a foot-tall glass monkey sculpture? Really?)I was hanging out with the Man, eating sushi, driving up the coast and lamenting that I do not live in California. We did stop and see a movie, or part of one anyway. If you are thinking of seeing Rush Hour 3, skip it. Even if you loved the first two, skip it. Rarely do I leave even a bad movie early, but this was just a waste of time beyond most.

So, all in all, it wasn't nearly enough time, not nearly enough kissing and snuggling or any of the rest of it. But it's done, I'm back and in need of some routine for a change.

This summer has been pretty chaotic and crazy. Too much crisis, too much travel, not enough peace and quiet, which is what I count on in the summer after the craziness of my spring planning season. Maybe fall will bring some serenity. Maybe I'll have to ask Santa for some.

That's it for now, I am in dire need of java....peace.